Gordon Ramsay's face.

"Baking a turd."

Gordon Ramsay has shocked the world by being the first man alive to employ builders to perform cosmetic surgery on his weathered face.

After taking advice from Simon Cowell, whose face was once described as looking like a sack full of badly chosen vegetables, Ramsay said he decided to take action to level off his sweary, scowl worn mug because he was sick of looking "like a pin art imprint of a scrotum".

According to friends, the last straw came when he spotted David Cameron's leering poster campaign. "It was the smoothest balloon he'd ever seen. That's when he decided". However after months of trans-Atlantic attempts Ramsay couldn't find a surgeon willing to promise results, his features being too far damaged for normal surgery.

But in the end Mr. Ramsey secured 'Regional Foundation Contracts' (Essex), a reputable building company that had extended his kitchen in 2006, who signed for the job in February. Dany Gilburn, joint owner of the firm has said:

''There wasn't any planning permission needed, ‘cos it was his own face. We basically got two kilos of grout and went round to his, and he whipped up some sort of soufflé thing laced with gin. Problem was it didn't knock him out cold. If anything, the Gin was a bad

idea. During the procedure he started shouting that we were 'b****ck fairys' and that he needed a new face in the next two minutes otherwise the whole procedure was 'f***ked'. Then he reached in his pocket and took some French dough and started rubbing it in the cracks in his face instead of the grout. When we asked him to stop he said 'HE was Chef' and called us a 'batch of c**tblankets' and said this dough was 'the loveliest, smoothest raising dough in the sh***ing continent' and that once he went down the tanning salon his face would look like 'Mickey Mouse's balls'.''

A statement issued by a legal spokesperson for the firm reads:

"Even though Mr. Ramsay's face just looks a bit puffier and just as weird, like rotted Playdo that’s been sanded down, R.F Inc. takes no responsibility for the result of the procedure. We could do it again but we'll have to wait for the right bonding agent to come in from Croatia and that will be three times as expensive and were not even sure its worth our time given the bad weather".

Change we can hop on and off of

Boris Johnson has released his Policy plans for London in 2010

They include:

* The Speed on Speed cameras to be dramatically increased.
* Roads at all Cross junctions to be painted red to form st. Georges cross. (Signs erected to explain this is not racist).
* Routemaster Buses are finally to be re-instated after adding "360degree hop-on-potential technology".
* Pubs lawfully obliged to serve English roast Beef.
* Pubs opening hour to be constricted to "work closing hour".
* All Tubes to have gyms installed.
* The design team of the bendy bus to be tried at the tower of London for murder of large number of cyclists (figure pending but immense).
* Hansom Cabs to be re-instated using ex show royal carraigehorses and unemployed Beefeaters as chauffeurs:
* Deficit created by the hansom budget to be covered by scrapping illness, which will unburden the NHS.
* More youths to be arrested.
* Arts and Culture's output to be increased and diversity by handing over the control and budget responsibility to the general public (buskers to be arrested if not licenced by telephone vote in).

"Cutting edge traditional bus and pub technology, philosophy and ethics for a 21st Century of strident excellence".