Toffshop

New line "Twattish and pointless"


Mayor of London Boris Johnson has announced he is to release a fashion line. The range, entitled simply 'Boris' is set to hit UK stores in time for the Christmas spending boom of this year.
Speaking exclusively to Spastique in an industry press conference yesterday, Johnson announced he was "fresh out of plans for London" and that he wanted to revamp "London" as the centre for fashion in "Europe" to help reverse the current "economic crisis", having gotten the idea from his favorite rap star "Jay Zed".
The Menswear range has been hand designed by Boris himself in Crayon and will feature Blond bowl-cut style horsehair cycle helmets, ties that have been designed to appear skewed, nervous sweat scented aftershave and a face cream that promotes blotchy pigskin and cold sores.
The look has been declared by the man himself to be inspired by his idols, and is said to give the consumer "the endearing appearance of aesthetic imperfection making them seem focused on more pressing issues than their own dress sense" even if they're really just full of shit.



Boris is said to be "chuffed as a button" with the line, and hopes it to be as warmly received as the runaway success of his recent record label 'Boris Beats' which featured signing 'Shmelvis' aka Hull born Trevor Duntup (pictured above).
London Post graduate Adrian Hall said yesterday he would "rather catch a terminal sex virus from a violent bumrapist" than wear it.

Hard Time

WK: "Damaged"

Andrew WK was arrested in the early hours of this morning following a Police stand off at his Travel lodge Hotel room in Londons King's Cross.Police were called to the scene at around 3.30am this morning after several complaints from hotel guests and staff that WK was "partying too hard".
         On first inspection the claims seemed unreasonable; a collection of older male guests collected on a sofa watched sports on television whilst sharing light refreshments such as Hob nobs, a large jar of pickles and some soft drinks. But on closer inspection Senior Police officer David Smith discovered the Hob nobs to be laced with GHB. WK was immediatley detained under suspscion of supplying the drugs to the senior guests, who were later revealed to be female prostitutes aged just 17 - 20 years of age engaged in fastasy play. After securing the room for inspection, the police then found the pickles were really severed human fingers of an unknown origin, and the television was hiding the entrance to small a balcony crammed with a 30 thousand watt sound system and a DJ playing old school rave-metal music whilst over a hundred party go-ers incoherently intoxicaterd on GHB, crack cocaine and heroin discharged various bodily fluids onto the streets below.

This is Mr. WK's eighteenth recreation related arrest since his 2001 chart hit "party hard" and its subsequent "party across the globe tour" saw the star depart on a decade long bender of constant narcotic induced mayhem including convictions for kidnapping a road safety man dressed as a traffic cone in Paris, launching foodstuffs at the former pope in Rome and the 'prank' arson attack of a Texan chapel in 2004. WK, pictured above having just eaten a friends pet dog as a party trick, has been granted bail by the London Met ahead of his impending trial in the understanding that he will commit himself to Dr. Anthony Bohm's radical new rehabilitation centre for Party Addicts 'Sunrise' in LA, and appear on Channel 4's TV counsilling programme 'Come Down with Me', donating his fee to Travel Lodge by way of damages.

A senior police office has said: "The man is unstable. He honestly cannot stop partying. Its very sad."

WK's trial for 59 counts of noise polluion, criminal damages, supplying drugs, fraud, human trafficking and murder goes to the Old Bailey in November.