Election Special pt.1: Ikarus

This election has been a special one, and voting day was no different:

At 8:45am Former UKIP party leader and lisping Nazi Kermit-alike Nigel Farage got into an aircraft he borrowed from Mel Gibson to pull a banner reading "Don't like Polacks? Vote UKIP", over the constituency of somewhere racist.

As he was buckling up he bravely and wryly taunted Jesus with the following flippant joke to the press:

"I hope I don't nosedive at 70mph into a crumpled pile of prejudice and have to emerge flapping about in the grass like a jew at a poofter march, ha ha ha".

The flight was in the air for exactly 88 seconds. One theory about the cause of the crash is that the banner was too long and snagged the right wing of the craft. A senior representative of UKIP agreed "if we'd gone with 'Gook' instead it would have been a completely different story".

Farage is currently being treated at nearby St. Georges Hospital, where a source has said: "Nigel was unconscious but can talk". adding further momentum to major scientific research funded by Oxford University ongoing since Farage's first ever commons address in June 2008.

A local Police inquiry launched after a witness saw four Polish men apparently seen tampering with the PZL-104 was dropped after one of the males came forward to explain themselves as "sky plumbers performing a routine check-up".

Police are still investigating the cause of the act of God.

Gordon Ramsay's face.

"Baking a turd."

Gordon Ramsay has shocked the world by being the first man alive to employ builders to perform cosmetic surgery on his weathered face.

After taking advice from Simon Cowell, whose face was once described as looking like a sack full of badly chosen vegetables, Ramsay said he decided to take action to level off his sweary, scowl worn mug because he was sick of looking "like a pin art imprint of a scrotum".

According to friends, the last straw came when he spotted David Cameron's leering poster campaign. "It was the smoothest balloon he'd ever seen. That's when he decided". However after months of trans-Atlantic attempts Ramsay couldn't find a surgeon willing to promise results, his features being too far damaged for normal surgery.

But in the end Mr. Ramsey secured 'Regional Foundation Contracts' (Essex), a reputable building company that had extended his kitchen in 2006, who signed for the job in February. Dany Gilburn, joint owner of the firm has said:

''There wasn't any planning permission needed, ‘cos it was his own face. We basically got two kilos of grout and went round to his, and he whipped up some sort of soufflé thing laced with gin. Problem was it didn't knock him out cold. If anything, the Gin was a bad

idea. During the procedure he started shouting that we were 'b****ck fairys' and that he needed a new face in the next two minutes otherwise the whole procedure was 'f***ked'. Then he reached in his pocket and took some French dough and started rubbing it in the cracks in his face instead of the grout. When we asked him to stop he said 'HE was Chef' and called us a 'batch of c**tblankets' and said this dough was 'the loveliest, smoothest raising dough in the sh***ing continent' and that once he went down the tanning salon his face would look like 'Mickey Mouse's balls'.''

A statement issued by a legal spokesperson for the firm reads:

"Even though Mr. Ramsay's face just looks a bit puffier and just as weird, like rotted Playdo that’s been sanded down, R.F Inc. takes no responsibility for the result of the procedure. We could do it again but we'll have to wait for the right bonding agent to come in from Croatia and that will be three times as expensive and were not even sure its worth our time given the bad weather".

Change we can hop on and off of

Boris Johnson has released his Policy plans for London in 2010

They include:

* The Speed on Speed cameras to be dramatically increased.
* Roads at all Cross junctions to be painted red to form st. Georges cross. (Signs erected to explain this is not racist).
* Routemaster Buses are finally to be re-instated after adding "360degree hop-on-potential technology".
* Pubs lawfully obliged to serve English roast Beef.
* Pubs opening hour to be constricted to "work closing hour".
* All Tubes to have gyms installed.
* The design team of the bendy bus to be tried at the tower of London for murder of large number of cyclists (figure pending but immense).
* Hansom Cabs to be re-instated using ex show royal carraigehorses and unemployed Beefeaters as chauffeurs:
* Deficit created by the hansom budget to be covered by scrapping illness, which will unburden the NHS.
* More youths to be arrested.
* Arts and Culture's output to be increased and diversity by handing over the control and budget responsibility to the general public (buskers to be arrested if not licenced by telephone vote in).

"Cutting edge traditional bus and pub technology, philosophy and ethics for a 21st Century of strident excellence".

Blag off..

When did blagging become a British pastime? Every cockney Zoo reading arsehole who thinks Human Traffic was a seminal 90s guide to life seems to be in on it. This is a quick list of the worst and most pathetic ‘blagging’ techniques used at my events‘. Nice one brother. I said nice one, brother!’. Wankers.

“I know the band mate, I’m on the list!”
If you’ve seen the band more than 5 times, this does not mean you know them. If they once waved back at you after your frantic and rather pathetic attempts to get their attention at a gig, you don’t know the band. If the band spat on you last time you saw them play, this doesn’t mean they care about you. You are a loser, and the band never wants to meet you, ever. So now pay me 8 quid, thanks, i'm never getting these moments back. Good day.

“I’m reviewing your gig for our magazine”
I don’t care what shitty student rag you work for, pieces of black and white A4 paper stapled together is NOT a magazine. You and your mates writing about what’s ‘cool’ in Brighton and some boring story about what happened to someone on their gap year is NOT a magazine. Distributing it to friends and family to try and show your parents your doing something with your life does NOT make it a magazine. So now pay me 8 quid, Thank…

“ Its my birthday mate, all my mates are in there!”
Ah! Two blags in one. If it’s your ‘birthday’ and all your mates are ‘in there’. Your telling me, that all your mates left you on your birthday to go to a club and you’ve been left outside with no money? Either, everyone hates you, your friends are cunts or you’re a lying toe rag. All three perhaps?. If by the off chance, all of his mates are in there, you’ll see a full grown man pull a face that looks likes he’s straining for a shit. “Auw, please mate, everyone’s in there, please”, there is nothing more unattractive or low I wish he’d left.

“Oooo, that’s a bit pricey mate, what’s on tonight anyway?’
You’ve been in a queue for half an hour and you don’t even know what’s on? What kind of a reprobate goes somewhere, queues up, complains hey've been waiting too long, then asks whats on? And now I have to sell it to you? Should these people even be allowed out to a social venue with members of the public or should they be culled? It’s a fair debate.
“

“There’s like 10 people with me, can we get a discount?”
I quite like the idea of these people selling themselves like low grade supermarket meat, but although this ‘bargain’ is hard to refuse, I think ill take my chances that like everyone else, you’ll end up paying. Now that’s 8 quid….fuck it, I hate you!!

I have more, but I'm annoyed even writting about it. Lesson of the day from your friendly local promoter, we have bouncers, and I hate your face, so just pay, and of course, have a lovely time sir...

pierre is back

After a long yet well required holiday I am back - What did I learn I hear your all asking - well you are gonna have to wait...

Toffshop

New line "Twattish and pointless"


Mayor of London Boris Johnson has announced he is to release a fashion line. The range, entitled simply 'Boris' is set to hit UK stores in time for the Christmas spending boom of this year.
Speaking exclusively to Spastique in an industry press conference yesterday, Johnson announced he was "fresh out of plans for London" and that he wanted to revamp "London" as the centre for fashion in "Europe" to help reverse the current "economic crisis", having gotten the idea from his favorite rap star "Jay Zed".
The Menswear range has been hand designed by Boris himself in Crayon and will feature Blond bowl-cut style horsehair cycle helmets, ties that have been designed to appear skewed, nervous sweat scented aftershave and a face cream that promotes blotchy pigskin and cold sores.
The look has been declared by the man himself to be inspired by his idols, and is said to give the consumer "the endearing appearance of aesthetic imperfection making them seem focused on more pressing issues than their own dress sense" even if they're really just full of shit.



Boris is said to be "chuffed as a button" with the line, and hopes it to be as warmly received as the runaway success of his recent record label 'Boris Beats' which featured signing 'Shmelvis' aka Hull born Trevor Duntup (pictured above).
London Post graduate Adrian Hall said yesterday he would "rather catch a terminal sex virus from a violent bumrapist" than wear it.

Hard Time

WK: "Damaged"

Andrew WK was arrested in the early hours of this morning following a Police stand off at his Travel lodge Hotel room in Londons King's Cross.Police were called to the scene at around 3.30am this morning after several complaints from hotel guests and staff that WK was "partying too hard".
         On first inspection the claims seemed unreasonable; a collection of older male guests collected on a sofa watched sports on television whilst sharing light refreshments such as Hob nobs, a large jar of pickles and some soft drinks. But on closer inspection Senior Police officer David Smith discovered the Hob nobs to be laced with GHB. WK was immediatley detained under suspscion of supplying the drugs to the senior guests, who were later revealed to be female prostitutes aged just 17 - 20 years of age engaged in fastasy play. After securing the room for inspection, the police then found the pickles were really severed human fingers of an unknown origin, and the television was hiding the entrance to small a balcony crammed with a 30 thousand watt sound system and a DJ playing old school rave-metal music whilst over a hundred party go-ers incoherently intoxicaterd on GHB, crack cocaine and heroin discharged various bodily fluids onto the streets below.

This is Mr. WK's eighteenth recreation related arrest since his 2001 chart hit "party hard" and its subsequent "party across the globe tour" saw the star depart on a decade long bender of constant narcotic induced mayhem including convictions for kidnapping a road safety man dressed as a traffic cone in Paris, launching foodstuffs at the former pope in Rome and the 'prank' arson attack of a Texan chapel in 2004. WK, pictured above having just eaten a friends pet dog as a party trick, has been granted bail by the London Met ahead of his impending trial in the understanding that he will commit himself to Dr. Anthony Bohm's radical new rehabilitation centre for Party Addicts 'Sunrise' in LA, and appear on Channel 4's TV counsilling programme 'Come Down with Me', donating his fee to Travel Lodge by way of damages.

A senior police office has said: "The man is unstable. He honestly cannot stop partying. Its very sad."

WK's trial for 59 counts of noise polluion, criminal damages, supplying drugs, fraud, human trafficking and murder goes to the Old Bailey in November.