Moaty, It's Gazza

Last night Soccer legend Paul Gascoigne sped south from his newcastle home in a hire car to talk his friend Raol Moat from a armed police stand off.

Speaking to Radio Rothbury in a mobile phone interview whilst speeding to the scene in a minicab, Gazza said:

" Look he's killed one and killed two right? Now the drugs have worn off. Two or three it doesn't matter. It's not all that nice. But he's a lovely bloke really - I've come all the way from Newcastle in a taxi man, It cost me £40 right? I came all the way in a taxi.. I know the guy. He's killed 3, man. It's not nice.. I've got Chicken, and I know you'll laugh, but beer, and a flip-flops. I was in a car crash once, I hit a wall at ninety miles an hour. I've got a jacket, I've got a dressing gown, I've got Chicken, I've got bread. I was in a car once. I've got lager. I've got; got a fishing rod, I've got my fishing rod, I've got his fishing rod. I've got lager. I was in a train crash once. Two friends on the river and just two friends and; "look it Moaty: worst of the worst you're gonna get 20 years right? Maybe 30. Piece of piss man" I was a car once. He's come calm down now man so I know he'll be alright. Theres nothing wrong with him. He's a gentlemen. I was in a plane once.. He's lovely bloke but it's not very nice when you .. His girlfriend slept with another bloke. Don't talk to me right - I'm coming in this taxi man and I've forgot the chicken but the lager. I forgot that. I'll know you'll laugh. Thanks alot. Send us a cheque through the post man".

-with this Gazza hung up.

Witnesses say they saw a minicab pull up to the police controlled border of the seige and a disheveled Gazza unloading a toby magnetic fishing toy and a lettuce wearing only hotel slippers and a hotel gown filled with what seemed to be over thirty miniature wine bottles. Although the police would not let Gascoigne pass through the line they did pass on a message from him to Raol.

Sources say the last thing they heard before the sound of the gunshot with which Moat ended his life was a negotiator shout:

"Raol! That visitor has arrived. It's your mate Gazza".

Hollywood remakes for 2011

Tinsletown is buzzing with the recent revelation of coming MAJOR BLOCKBUSTER remakes:

SPZMG is looking forward to these two features in particular:

Rocky VII

The italian stallion is back to face his most deadly nemesis ever - Alzheimers. Will he prevail?

Saw XII

Jigsaw's rotting remains are dug up and sewn back together in graphic HD 3-D by his demented son, then re-animated via spinal grafted animatron robotics so that his unconscious cadaver can go around slowly jabbing flesh eating virus carrying fetuses down the orapheses of innocent teenage grils in this 5 hour epic. The Daily Star calls it "Spine Tingling".

Extracts from AVATAR treatment document

No.53 =

Names for the expensive mineral:

Hardtogetium

Unobtainium

Outofreachium

Unexplainium

Digindeepium

Plotdevicium

Hiddengen

Futilium

Gold

Note:

Let's go with Unexplainium: Ive been here for eight years.

eg:

a) "Why are those mountains floating?"

b) "This whole region is covered in Unexplainium"

(..Also good = James' idea to just leave any explanation of the floating mountains from script)

Election Special pt.1: Ikarus

This election has been a special one, and voting day was no different:

At 8:45am Former UKIP party leader and lisping Nazi Kermit-alike Nigel Farage got into an aircraft he borrowed from Mel Gibson to pull a banner reading "Don't like Polacks? Vote UKIP", over the constituency of somewhere racist.

As he was buckling up he bravely and wryly taunted Jesus with the following flippant joke to the press:

"I hope I don't nosedive at 70mph into a crumpled pile of prejudice and have to emerge flapping about in the grass like a jew at a poofter march, ha ha ha".

The flight was in the air for exactly 88 seconds. One theory about the cause of the crash is that the banner was too long and snagged the right wing of the craft. A senior representative of UKIP agreed "if we'd gone with 'Gook' instead it would have been a completely different story".

Farage is currently being treated at nearby St. Georges Hospital, where a source has said: "Nigel was unconscious but can talk". adding further momentum to major scientific research funded by Oxford University ongoing since Farage's first ever commons address in June 2008.

A local Police inquiry launched after a witness saw four Polish men apparently seen tampering with the PZL-104 was dropped after one of the males came forward to explain themselves as "sky plumbers performing a routine check-up".

Police are still investigating the cause of the act of God.

Gordon Ramsay's face.

"Baking a turd."

Gordon Ramsay has shocked the world by being the first man alive to employ builders to perform cosmetic surgery on his weathered face.

After taking advice from Simon Cowell, whose face was once described as looking like a sack full of badly chosen vegetables, Ramsay said he decided to take action to level off his sweary, scowl worn mug because he was sick of looking "like a pin art imprint of a scrotum".

According to friends, the last straw came when he spotted David Cameron's leering poster campaign. "It was the smoothest balloon he'd ever seen. That's when he decided". However after months of trans-Atlantic attempts Ramsay couldn't find a surgeon willing to promise results, his features being too far damaged for normal surgery.

But in the end Mr. Ramsey secured 'Regional Foundation Contracts' (Essex), a reputable building company that had extended his kitchen in 2006, who signed for the job in February. Dany Gilburn, joint owner of the firm has said:

''There wasn't any planning permission needed, ‘cos it was his own face. We basically got two kilos of grout and went round to his, and he whipped up some sort of soufflé thing laced with gin. Problem was it didn't knock him out cold. If anything, the Gin was a bad

idea. During the procedure he started shouting that we were 'b****ck fairys' and that he needed a new face in the next two minutes otherwise the whole procedure was 'f***ked'. Then he reached in his pocket and took some French dough and started rubbing it in the cracks in his face instead of the grout. When we asked him to stop he said 'HE was Chef' and called us a 'batch of c**tblankets' and said this dough was 'the loveliest, smoothest raising dough in the sh***ing continent' and that once he went down the tanning salon his face would look like 'Mickey Mouse's balls'.''

A statement issued by a legal spokesperson for the firm reads:

"Even though Mr. Ramsay's face just looks a bit puffier and just as weird, like rotted Playdo that’s been sanded down, R.F Inc. takes no responsibility for the result of the procedure. We could do it again but we'll have to wait for the right bonding agent to come in from Croatia and that will be three times as expensive and were not even sure its worth our time given the bad weather".

Change we can hop on and off of

Boris Johnson has released his Policy plans for London in 2010

They include:

* The Speed on Speed cameras to be dramatically increased.
* Roads at all Cross junctions to be painted red to form st. Georges cross. (Signs erected to explain this is not racist).
* Routemaster Buses are finally to be re-instated after adding "360degree hop-on-potential technology".
* Pubs lawfully obliged to serve English roast Beef.
* Pubs opening hour to be constricted to "work closing hour".
* All Tubes to have gyms installed.
* The design team of the bendy bus to be tried at the tower of London for murder of large number of cyclists (figure pending but immense).
* Hansom Cabs to be re-instated using ex show royal carraigehorses and unemployed Beefeaters as chauffeurs:
* Deficit created by the hansom budget to be covered by scrapping illness, which will unburden the NHS.
* More youths to be arrested.
* Arts and Culture's output to be increased and diversity by handing over the control and budget responsibility to the general public (buskers to be arrested if not licenced by telephone vote in).

"Cutting edge traditional bus and pub technology, philosophy and ethics for a 21st Century of strident excellence".